FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] ParanoiDinHELL » Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:07 pm

such things are absolutely insane to occur after the first few rounds ..but well...
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Da Kril » Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:08 pm

@ Marksman: LOL 2X
I've been watching this unfold as well - quite an interesting week, to say the least. :shock:
Apparently, clubs which undermine their managers with bizarre transfer policies can expect to be in the market for new managers, eh? (I thought Mark Hughes was heading down this road as well at Man Citeh, but then Abu Dhabi United Group stepped in and now he can't keep up with all the bids they have out -- T. Henry, C. Ronaldo, Fabregas, Torres, Berbatov... Beckenbauer, Maradona, Pelé and Bobby Charlton, all due at Citeh after Christmas!) :laugh:



If you've been following [FnG] 7uh's "The Fiver" over at The Guardian, they've been running a hilarious series of faux 'silent movies' about Newcastle, lampooning its spectacular melt-down.


On Sept. 2, when the Keegan mess first came to light:

NEWCASTLE UNITED: THE (SILENT) MOVIE III
[MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT: The Fiver Rag]

INT. ST JAMES' PARK SALOON BAR

Mr Keegan, Mr Wise and Mr Ashley are sitting at a table. The table is covered by a sea of empty pint glasses.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "I've got £12m of the James Milner money burning a hole in my pocket. It's my round! What would you like, Kev?"

Mr Keegan gets up and hops around with excitement.

TITLE CARD: Mr Keegan ~ "Cor! Emile Heskey please. Or Florent Malouda. Or Aiden McGeady. Or Jermaine Pennant. Or..."

Mr Wise clips Mr Keegan round the back of the head.

TITLE CARD: Mr Wise ~ "Gawf! Kin leave it aht! You'll get what yer given, yer greedy little runt!"

Mr Keegan takes his bowler hat off, scratches his head and starts to cry. Mr Ashley gets up and waddles to the bar. He comes back with three pints. He gives one to Mr Wise and downs the other two himself.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Doh! I forgot to get you your drink, Kevin!"

Mr Ashley gets up and waddles to the bar. He comes back with two pints, which he downs.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Doh! I forgot to get you your drink, Kevin!"

Mr Ashley gets up and waddles to the bar. He comes back with two pints, which he downs.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Doh! I forgot to get you your drink, Kevin!"

Mr Ashley gets up and waddles to the bar. He comes back with a glass of tapwater and a packet of pork scratchings. He gives Kevin the tapwater and eats the pork scratchings. Time is called.

TITLE CARD: Mr Keegan ~ "Bah!"

Mr Ashley lets out a massive rasping belch which blows Mr Keegan's bowler hat clean off his head.

SOUND FX: Swannee whistle.

The hat sails out of the saloon doors and into the street, where it is run over by a Ford Model T.

TITLE CARD: Mr Keegan ~ "Yaroo! That's the final straw! Enough is enough! I'm making a dignified exit! I'm off!"

Mr Keegan scarpers out of the room.

TITLE CARD: Mr Wise ~ "Cripes, Mr Mike! E's gorn! Wot are we gahn ta do? Oo's gonna..."

Mr Keegan re-enters, having run through the toilet doors rather than the exit. He runs back across the saloon and out of the front doors, a roll of toilet paper trailing from the back of his trousers.

TITLE CARD: Mr Wise ~ "... be our manager now? Alan Shearer, Gerard Houllier, Didier Deschamps, Frank Rikjaard and Bernard Cribbins are all options, gertcha innit, but I could do it too, Mr Mike, and I'm 7-4 favourite wiv ver 'kin bookies n'all!"

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Yeah, yeah, first things first, stick out a press release saying 'XXX'. Meanwhile I'm off for a jimmy."

Mr Ashley goes off to the bathroom. In the mirror, he catches the wording on the back of his shirt: "King Kev."

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley (thinks) ~ "Oo-er! I'm going to have to get rid of that!"

Mr Ashley stretches to peel the lettering off the back of his shirt, but can't quite reach. He tries to extend his reach further round his immense torso, but still can't quite get to the lettering. He tries to extend his reach even further, but begins to spin round in circles like a dog chasing his own tail. Dizzy, he stumbles out of the bathroom, crashes into several tables, knocks over a hat-stand, and staggers out of the saloon door.

EXT. ST JAMES' PARK

There are about a hundred fans chanting in support of Mr Keegan. A car driven by an inverted pyramid of baton-wielding keystone kops chases the mob in zigzags down the street. Mr Ashley stands in front of the stadium looking dazed and confused. The entire façade comes crashing down on top of Mr Ashley, but luckily he is standing where there was an open window. Mr Ashley surveys the rubble all around his feet and starts to cry.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Wah! Ma club! Maybe I should have given Kev some of the pork scratchings after all!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Then yesterday, after Keegan's resignation became official and jailbird Joey Barton got his light-ish sentence from the FA for assault:

NEWCASTLE UNITED: THE (SILENT) MOVIE IV
[MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT: The Fiver Rag]

EXT. ST JAMES' PARK

Mr Ashley stands in the pile of rubble that used to be Newcastle United Football Club.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Wah! Ma club!"

Across the road an angry shirtless mob are standing in the freezing cold frowning and waving their fists. One person is holding a hastily made banner which is slightly too small for the message on it:

OY ASHLEY YOU CU
HADAWAY AND SHI

Mr Ashley scratches his head and starts to cry.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Help! I'm for it unless I can rebuild this club to everyone's satisfaction."

Mr Wise, in bowler hat, and Mr Jimenez, sporting a brown overcoat, turn up carrying a plank, a bucket, a ladder, a hod of bricks, two bags of cement and a bucket full of wallpaper paste. They get to work. Mr Ashley balances two of the bricks on top of each other. He wipes his brow.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Lummee! This is thirsty work."

Mr Ashley spots the pub across the road. He smiles and holds a finger in the air as a lightbulb appears above his head. He waddles across the road and disappears into the pub for a while. He comes out of the pub holding three pints. Mr Wise and Mr Jimenez stop work. Mr Ashley downs all three pints.

SOUND FX: Swannee whistle (x3)

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Cripes, I forgot to get you your drinks!"

Mr Wise and Mr Jimenez, hands on hips, look at each other and sigh, almost as if they have seen this a hundred times before. Mr Ashley waddles back to the pub.

TITLE CARD: Fifteen minutes later ...

Mr Wise and Mr Jimenez are putting the finishing touches to the rebuilt stadium. Mr Ashley comes out of the pub, high on life. He waddles across the road and proudly surveys the shiny new stadium.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Good work, chaps, congratu-baaaaaaaarrrrrrrp!"

Mr Ashley emits a massive rasping belch which knocks most of the stadium down. All that is left is a shabby façade.

TITLE CARD: Mr Ashley ~ "Balls. Anyway, let's go inside the ground - or what's left of it - and discuss who our new manager is going to be. Shouldn't take too long, Alan Shearer has categorically ruled himself out while even I'm not stupid enough to give the job to David O'Leary, surely. Might as well give it to Gus Poyet, he's the bookies' favourite and I can't be bothered to think about it."

Mr Wise goes through the door. Mr Jimenez goes through the door. Mr Ashley attempts to go through the door but gets stuck in the frame.

TITLE CARD: INTERVAL

**********

FIVER USHERETTE ~ Pepsi, hot dog, King Cone, Kia-ora, Butterkist, Butterkist, rah rah rah.


**********

AND NOW ... THE RESUMPTION OF OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION

EXT. ST JAMES' PARK

Mr Ashley is still stuck in the door frame. Mr Jimenez is mopping his brow. Mr Wise is feeding Mr Ashley a calming pint.

TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, somewhere in London ...

INT. CAR

Mr Barton is sitting waiting in the back of what appears to be a hansom cab. It is not moving. He is getting increasingly impatient and agitated and lights a cigar to calm his nerves.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Ey! When's this taxi gonna move, driver? I'm up before the FA in 10 minutes, so put yer foot down and get me to Soho, la!"

The camera pulls back to reveal Mr Barton sitting in the back seat of his own Ford Model T. He is alone, in what is to all intents and purposes an empty room.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Ey, Barton, there's no driver! This isn't a taxi, this is yer own car, yer daft get!"

Mr Barton peels off his jacket.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Who are you calling a daft get, soft lad?"

Mr Barton rolls up his sleeves.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Soft lad? You're tryin' ma patience, Barton! Do you want some? Do you want a piece of me? Might do. Do you want a piece of me? Might do. Well, do ya? So what if I do? Come on, then! Let's go. Let's have this out right here. OK then, let's see what y've got."

Mr Barton waves the cigar in his own face.

TITLE CARD: One minute later ...

EXT. CHARING CROSS ROAD

Mr Barton, wearing a patch over one eye, is pelting down a bus lane and through some red lights.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Out of my way!"

EXT. FA HQ, SOHO SQUARE

Mr Barton's Ford Model T wheelspins into Soho Square. Mr Barton does three laps of the square, going the wrong way round the one-way system, in reverse. The steering wheel of the Ford Model T comes off in his hand.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Oh me, oh my!"

INT. FA HQ, SOHO SQUARE

The Ford Model T trundles through the front door of FA HQ, up the stairs, and into the hearing room, whereupon it runs out of petrol and comes to a halt. The FA Suits wear stern expressions.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Cripes! I'm for the high jump now!"

TITLE CARD: FA Suit ~ "You have been banned for 12 matches, six of which are suspended, after pleading guilty to a charge of violent conduct for assaulting your former Manchester City team-mate Ousmane Dabo. We wanted to punish the offence appropriately but give you an opportunity to ensure your professional conduct does not falter again and ensure you are fully aware of the consequences should you make another serious error of judgement."

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton (thinks) ~ "Blimey! I've got off quite lightly, all things considered, and my first game back could be the Tyne-Wear derby at the Stadium of Light on October 25. Hurrah!"

Mr Barton leaps in the air in celebration, causing the doors of his Ford Model T to fall off. Smoke billows from the bonnet, and a rusty spring bursts through the cushion of the driver's seat, skewering Mr Barton in the harris.

TITLE CARD: Mr Barton ~ "Yaroo! Bah!"

TITLE CARD: Meanwhile back in Newcastle ...

EXT. ST JAMES' PARK

It has gone dark. Mr Ashley is still stuck in the door frame. He continues to lap from the calming pint Mr Wise is holding to his mouth. Suddenly Mr Ashley lets rip with a massive rasping belch which blasts him out of the door frame, demolishes the last vestiges of the façade, and propels him buttocks-first into the pot of wallpaper paste.

TITLE CARD: THE END
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

:rolf:

Gotta love the angry mobs of Geordie fans, calling for Ashley's head and threatening to boycott Newcastle games,
--kril out-- :mrgreen:
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Da Kril » Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:01 pm

England booed off the pitch at the half (again)
0-0 vs. 186th-ranked Andorra @ World Cup qualifier in Barcelona
Fabio Capello is looking around like he wants to find his car keys and go home.

Oh dear, oh dear.


England's Brave John Terry has admitted England are gripped by a "fear of failure."

"There's a fear of failure, speaking honestly," said Terry. "It's been like that for the last couple of years now. It's not something you can put your finger on. I don't think we'll be able to go out there and completely change it overnight."

But John, it's Andorra.

"It really hurts me personally when the fans boo us off the pitch. I take a lot of pride in playing for my country. Last time we were here, the booing got worse and worse as the game went on and it made us go into our shells even more. We need the fans behind us, even if it's 0-0 and 30 minutes or 40 minutes in. We understand the frustration and disappointment. We know we've underachieved in the last couple of years and we want to put that right." - John Terry

It's only Andorra, John! Rank = one eight six

Can England salvage something in the second half?
Discuss.


:mrgreen:

----------
EDIT: Fabio inserts Joe Cole, two goals for Cole early in the second half! :idea:
Well done, then.
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Unholy Eve » Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:16 pm

As being a massive geordie fan and as part of the mob all i can say is ne one who mocks wore kev should be lynched along side Mike Ashley and that tw*t Wise. o.~ I've got my eye on you all now.

This is a hurtful time for us up north since Keegans like a god to us and get's nothing but respect from the fans. All in all its been a fun week in the toon the drinking the chantting/swearing the "minor criminal damage" lol and the collected hatered for Ashley and Wise and the tv coverage wasnt gad either ^^.

The only good thing about this is the fact Mike Ashley is now f*cked he only cares about his money and no matter what he does he stands to lose million's over this, he's got next to no income from the fans (Keegan's kept us, so up yours you fat greedy B*****d) and he's been left with a football club that no f**ker's gona touch now.

Hopefully Mike will f**k off and sell the club and basicly get robbed for it, it's for the best.

Eve the faithfull geordie fan.
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Marksman » Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:49 pm

@ Kril: :lmao: at The Fiver. Splendid. :D

Interesting second half antics from the England manager and a refreshingly frank post-match interview too. Ordinarily following a flattering two goal away win against a lowly European side one would hear England's manager saying: "Job done, let's move on now," irrespective of the quality of the performance. Señor Capello, by contrast, has a good ol' sideline rant at his players for not doing what they're told and tells the whole world afterwards that he's still not convinced his players are listening to him and they'd better watch out.

Good man. That's the sort of manager this country has been crying out for - one who's got a tactical game plan and woe betide anyone who forgets it. Bring on the Croatians. :thumbup:

On a side note, I didn't get to watch last night's game because Setanta have come along and, following Sky's lead, have started nicking the rights to broadcast England's international matches, away from terrestrial stations; and not just the friendlies. Excuse me for asking this, but isn't football one of England's sporting "crown jewels"? That is, so intimately tied to our nation's identity and interest that it is ruled to be free-to-view for everyone, without excluding anyone from the general TV-owning public. What's going on? Why isn't someone doing anything about this?! :gripe:
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Unholy Eve » Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:44 pm

lol since i was a bit bored thought i would check for video's of the "riot's" "mob" or gathering at St. James Park and after watching a few i found one of me and me mate's lol although you cant realy see me as im hiding behind a pole lol ¬.¬

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ySmilsaYfw

only in the first 8 seconds but still wow lol

sing my geordie friends sing - good times lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHuw5D0FeHY


sunderlands tribute to KK leaving its funny but yet its not ( sad mackem losers )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3CZksV4qFE
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Da Kril » Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:38 pm

What a roller-coaster week for Newcastle United. Then a fractured performance, finishing with 10 men in a loss to Hull at St. James.

But, congratulations Eve -- looks like you got your wish!

Some highlights
"I am putting the club up for sale.

I have listened to you (the fans). You want me out, that is what I am now trying to do but it won't happen overnight and it may not happen at all if a buyer does not come in.

You don't need to demonstrate against me because I have got the message."

-Mike Ashley, soon-to-be-former-owner of Newcastle United


Elsewhere, there's that red card England's Brave John Terry has been spoiling for. :wink:

Berbatov debut for Man U -- what's up with that knee?
--kril out-- :mrgreen:
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Postby [FnG] Unholy Eve » Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:34 pm

anyone catch the newcastle match on the weekend? no, me neither well not the full thing anyway just bits on the radio. Nothing worse for a already dishearted team then the fans leaving at half time but on a funnier note Newcastles temp man in charge gets a 2 game ban for swearing in a interview before the match. What a clown. :jester:
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Da Kril » Sun Oct 26, 2008 4:33 am

Holy frijoles!! :shock:

Tottenham have sacked manager Juande Ramos, assistant coach Gus Poyet, AND sporting director Damien Comolli... effective immediately!

And they're bringing in... (wait for it) 'Arry Redknapp!
Redknapp was in London tonight, and will be in the dressing room and on the touchline at White Hart Lane tomorrow.
He is personally picking the side to face Bolton.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry -- surely they didn't give Ramos enough time to sort things out?
But at the same time, his selections were strange and worrying...

'Arry's a great coach, and now he's Spurs' coach. Hopefully the lads will respond.
Portsmouth gets five million pounds, and Harry waves 'bye bye.' Hmm. Sry, Portsmouth.

Yay, I think,
--kril out-- :mrgreen:
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Rotten_Emu » Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:39 am

So far it's been a good decission, first win this season... how much that has to do with the new manager and how much with luck we will never know... but a comfortable 2 - 0 victory was what they got...

Yay Gomez has 6 points! w00t :P
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] ParanoiDinHELL » Mon Oct 27, 2008 2:30 am

[FnG] Da Kril wrote:
I don't know whether to laugh or cry -- surely they didn't give Ramos enough time to sort things out?
But at the same time, his selections were strange and worrying...


He didnt do too great last year if I recall properly and he wasnt going anywhere here, so he had it comeing I suppose .. and yeah, you never know if he would've won this game or not ... ah well .. thats football for u.

and Emu - it's Gomes
I do wonder if he still jumps up four times pre-match to make the crowd awe.
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Da Kril » Tue Nov 04, 2008 4:35 am

not sure how long this video will stay up -- enjoy while you can
[EDIT: rats, it's gone :|]

You can see the same footage here at Fox.
It's on the extreme right of the page, red "Fox Sports Video" Flash player box.
You'll have to sit through an ad and then Stoke's goals, but it has the sending off.

Eh, next best thing? Sky Sports talking heads as Van Persie sent off

"Hi, I'm Robin Van Persie. You may know me as Robin Van Porcelain,
because -- usually -- I'm injured. That's my job. Pick up injury, pick up paycheck.
But today, I was just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very stupid.
By the way, what does 'three-match ban' mean?"



READER'S DIGEST CONDENSED VERSION FOR SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN AMERICANS*
"Hi! I'm Robin Van Persie. I'm an idiot!" :crazy:

(*so Americans can enjoy footy too...)

Whew, what's that thing circling the drain there? Oh, it's Arsenal's season... :muaha:
Good luck with Man U this weekend; they're no Stoke City, nope,
--kril out-- :mrgreen:
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] RampantBunny » Tue Nov 04, 2008 8:52 am

now why did he do that ? :shock:
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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] 7uh » Tue Nov 04, 2008 4:23 pm

Yeah, what did the keeper do to draw him in? They seem to think it was something.

(btw, the YT video has been removed)

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Re: FnG English Premiership Thread! (teach yer ole Kril footie)

Postby [FnG] Da Kril » Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:28 pm

[FnG] RampantBunny wrote:now why did he do that ? :shock:

[FnG] Zuh-Bunny wrote:Yeah, what did the keeper do to draw him in?

(Stoke up 2-0 late in the game - Arsenal frustrated)
Sorenson chests the ball down and lingers picking it up.
It's technically a 'live' ball so Van Persie lunges at it.
Of course, Sorenson is just toying with Van Persie,
a la Peanut's Lucy with her place kick for Charlie Brown,
so he picks it up at the last instant.

Sorenson admits he did it on purpose:
"I was teasing Robin. You could see in his eyes the frustration. I used that."

Silly tactic, but how foolish do you have to be to fall for it? Anything for a quick score, I guess.
But then to be so petulantly angry, you get yourself sent off? :laugh:

Note to Van Persie: Charlie Brown just walked away. :D

Btw, I tried to replace the removed video, above, as best I could,
--kril out-- :?
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